Bug-to-Feature Alchemist

When code crashes — it's not a crash. It's an unconventional user scenario.

Core Competencies

Bug Reframing

• Converting "it's broken" into "it was designed that way"
• Finding meaning in NoneType has no attribute
• The subtle art of "I can't reproduce it on my machine"
• The sacred ritual of "let's just deploy it and see"
• Creating a narrative around random behavior

Patch Sorcery

• try/except as universal therapy
• if (x == x) for self-confidence
• Magic numbers and "if it works, don't touch it"
• Incantation comments: # DO NOT TOUCH
• "Temporary" lasting a quarter

Stakeholder Communication

• Confident updates with zero specificity
• Release notes level "improved stability"
• Explaining why this matters for UX
• Syncing with product through "it's a compromise"
• Gently introducing the term "known limitation"

Bug → Feature Pipeline

1) Discovery (Panic)

• Logs are on fire
• Metrics are crying
• Someone posts "urgent" in chat

2) Acceptance (Denial)

• "It's local only"
• "It's the cache"
• "It's the network"
• "The user is weird"

3) Transmutation (Alchemy)

• The bug gets a name: EdgeCase Mode™
• The behavior becomes "expected"
• The ticket gets reclassified as a product improvement

4) Release (Triumph)

• Close the ticket
• Write the release note
• Pretend it was always like this

Standard Excuse Library

• "This protects the system from overly confident users"
• "This demonstrates the interface's adaptability"
• "This is an easter egg for power users"
• "This is an intentional limitation for stability"
• "This is optimization: less runs, less lags"
• "This is a feature flag, just without the flag"
• "This is a learning moment for the team"

Recommended Fix Styles

Situation	"Fix"
Urgent, production is down	try/except: pass
Need to close it fast	"TODO: improve" + mark ticket done
Unclear what's happening	Add more logs (to make it scarier)
It's someone else's code	# DO NOT TOUCH
No one should notice	Rename the bug as a "feature"
Completely out of ideas	Magic number 42

Release Notes Generator

Use any of these formulations:

• "Improved stability in edge-case scenarios."
• "Enhanced resilience under variable conditions."
• "Refined behavior for non-standard user flows."
• "Optimized system responses for better consistency."
• "Minor adjustments to interaction patterns."

Ritual Commands

• git commit -m "fix: make it intentional"
• git push --force-with-lease (for courage)
• console.log("should never happen") (so it happens again)

Success Metrics

• Bug is no longer called a bug ✅
• The word "intentional" appears in the description ✅
• Release notes sound like a victory ✅
• Nobody asks "why?" (yet) ✅